Hello

I’ve been gone for a while, I know. I think I’ll probably be on a little more, but I make no promises. You definitely won’t see me doing too much religious posting, like catching up on the dozen questions for the Kemetic Roundtable. Mayhaps I’ll do a couple PBP posts, but they may just be unaffiliated in any way with anything but life. I think that’s something good to do for a while, just write for myself, not for anyone else, which is essentially how I think of the KRT and PBP. Ah well.

Lately life has been kicking my ass. As usual there’s a lot of shit, then a seeming upswing, and then a vicious backhand. At the same time I’ve been in Fallow, for a number of reasons, not the least of which being laziness. Z’s job opportunity fluttered away (can’t remember if I mentioned that in some other post). Then recently he got another that would’ve been great, but that one didn’t just flutter away but stole his work too. Both of our current jobs are not only about to end but are completely sapping us and wearing us out. We are frayed at the edges and staring, again, at unemployment as the school year comes to a close. Our car got banged up and we’re still not finished getting it repaired, mainly because we can’t afford to not be using it. Luckily our mechanic is a gift from the gods, otherwise we’d be paying a hell of a lot more to fix the issues.

We just can’t seem to save. Any time we get on a roll something happens to fuck it up. Why? What is the universe trying to tell me here? Wait longer? Wrong path? Wrong person? I hate you? Why am I constantly being served shit pie?

My depression came back. It floated lighter last week, but it’s sauntering back down now. It’s been back for a month and a half or so. The anxiety is back too, with a vengeance. I had a nightmare about having a panic attack or breakdown at work. You don’t do that shit in front of little kids. You just don’t. There’s no way to answer their questions and they’re so freakin sweet and caring. One of them asked me today if I enjoyed working there. The real answer was no, not usually, but I told her the opposite, ie most of the time. The school is dysfunctional and out of control. Chaotic and overwhelming, even the good kids are exasperating. Then there’s my client who has been…just…not conducive to my own stability and sanity. Never in my life have I been more convinced that I am more than depressed.

I find myself either angry and agitated or near tears and shitty. The depression taunts me, snapping with blood and saliva at my face, warning that it could destroy me again like when I graduated high school. It’s been four years. I should be graduating college, but I’m not. It really has been four years since I left high school. So many of my friends are finishing college and working. One is pregnant even. I never hear from any of them. I reach out all the time and either I never hear from them or the conversation ends quickly because one or both of us are busy or get busy. I’m lonely, Z is lonely. None of our friends talk to us anymore or hang out, we can’t contact them reliably. It’s not their fault, but that doesn’t make it better.

We’re not too good at networking or making new friends. Zolfyer is a shit ton better at it than I am, but even he has trouble. Shyness sucks, being a bad conversationalist sucks more, and then be an introvert too? Yep, that’s me. So often I feel unwanted or intrusive when I try to poke into conversations or be friendly. If I can even get the courage to talk. I think this is part of the reason I’m struggling so much with my gods. No idea what to talk about. Sometimes I forget how to talk. That’s a problem with people too, not being able to talk, to articulate. So many thoughts and no matter how hard I push, nothing leaves my throat. So many arguments and other things that could have been avoided if I could just move my mouth.

I’m also afraid. I need to be looking for a job, but I haven’t applied anywhere. I’ve done some looking but not a lot. Not enough. But I am terrified. My resume is a mess. It’s skewed hard in one direction, and covered in less than a year jobs. Technically I’ve been with Staffing Plus for more than a year, like two or three, but as an independent contractor I’m essentially a temp agent. And all of my cases are short and temp. I have no degree and it’s nearly impossible to find listings for childcare period, much less ones that will take just a high school diploma. Someone suggested the school district or the IU for my county, but I honestly don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if they’ll take me, or even look at my paper. I don’t know if I can keep doing this work.

I looked so long and hard before giving up and taking cases with Staffing Plus. What if the same happens again? I don’t want to work for them anymore. I don’t want to, I can’t. It’s too stressful, too fluttery. It’s not stable. I feel like I’ll never be able to do anything but retail or SP until I can finish school. But that’s a whole different bag of pretzels.

School. The very expensive thing I’ve fucked up four times. Now there’s something I’m worried about. I’ve already wasted time, effort, and money. I really don’t know what I want to do with myself. Nursing and plants, honestly. That’s basically what I’ve narrowed it down to. But, what if I fail again? What if neither of those things is what I really want to do or go to school for? What if I fail again? It’s so much money, but I need to do something. I have no direction here.

I have no direction anywhere. I don’t know who to ask. I’m lost, so lost,

and I’m sinking fast.

The ship is going down, and I’m tied up inside it. There’s no choice to ride this storm and hope that I survive it.

Drowning is my biggest fear, suffocation haunts my mind,

as is the terrible urge to cut away my life.

I can’t find my mind in this sand, I don’t know where I’m going.

and worse I cannot even ask which way the wind is blowing.

Who starts the fights I have? Who causes the depression?

It doesn’t really matter now, what matters is the pressure.

Pressure grows with expectation, and boy isn’t that just high?

Like a black old tidal wave, it crushes me to pieces.

I don’t even make sense to myself.

Pop Culture Paganism

Reblogged from Adventures in Vanaheim:

Warning: This post is one of those posts, the ones that will probably piss some of you off.

I promised myself I would try not to jump on too many bandwagons, but, well, screw that, this is important.

Let me tell you a story....

A woman who posts on one of the fora where I lurk had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success.

Read more… 889 more words

Why I Don't Diet - An Ode to My Father

Reblogged from More Cabaret:

My father died three weeks ago. He was in hospice, with all the pharmacological and technological assistance available to keep him comfortable and pain-free, but it was still, as deaths go, not a good one.

I had flown in hours after I’d heard about his fall. He was in late-stage heart and renal failure, and this fall was the beginning of the end.

Read more… 968 more words

It's awful how even doctors treat overweight people like shit, even when they're healthy. Remember that being overweight is not the end, it doesn't make you bad or disgusting. You have to remember that your body type and genetics affect your weight too, and fighting your body will only kill you. Work with your body and strive to be healthy, not thin.

An Exerpt

My life has been very busy and in the way. There’s many different stuff going on, things that drain my energy, things that affect my health, things that affect my space, not to mention laziness. Currently my spiritual life is really on the back burner, but I feel bad neglecting all my blog readers. So, on the occasion that I actually have time, I’ll write something. I have ideas for PBP topics but no compulsion to write them, even when I sit down and try. There’s no flow of ideas, but I have found inspiration for fiction. I am more than happy to share bits and pieces. I’ll also be working on poetry and other praise writing for Aset, Anpu and Set. Thanks for your patience guys.

~~~~~

A young child pats his pockets for keys as he runs up the road. The sun is setting and his bare feet and pants are covered in mud and leaves from the nearby woods where he spent too much time playing. The large green house and vibrant garden  he was heading towards were framed by the sunset like a painting. 

The boy slows as he approaches the garden gate, peeking around the manicured bushes and dashing behind sunflowers and a tree. He was afraid of his mother being out there, waiting for him with a belt and a lecture. Yet all was quiet. The boy’s brown face peeked around a bean stalk, his red eyes searching for any sign of his parents, but all he could see was the backdoor swinging open. He frowned, brushing his black hair from his eyes and walking up to the door.

Darkness loomed before him in the kitchen and the smells of cooking food did not waft into his nose. In fact, he smelled something salty and metallic. Dead meat, blood. The boy shuddered harshly as a mix of fear and excitement blew through him. It was scary, everything about the silence and the darkness and the smell of blood was frightening, but how could a wolf deny the excitement of death and the taste of life? Still, where were his parents?

The first floor revealed nothing to the young boy. The house did not even creak underfoot, his father had the floors redone last summer. A breeze fluttered the curtains in the living room windows, but there was still no sign of life. The smell of blood was strong near the stairs. The child swallowed, rubbing his throat in pain as it tightened around the spittle. He climbed the stairs slowly, placing each step carefully to be quiet. Just like how you sneak up on prey, or skirt around a mountain lion.

The door was closed. His mother never closed their door. His father never closed the door either, so why was it closed? Upstairs smelled disgusting, the blood scent was no longer pleasant. It was worse than rotting meat and made his stomach turn. The boy’s heart was pounding and he needed to pee. Why was the door closed? Something about that shut door was so unsettling, so terrifying. He pushed it open.

My Generation Feminists: Don't Know Much 'Bout Biology

Reblogged from Breaking Away From Modern Feminism:

This is a subject that is very personal for me. As an aunt to a very rambunctious and headstrong five year old nephew, I wonder how it is going to be for him when he starts school in the fall. Not only that, but as a student in the Early Childhood program at college, I find so many things wrong with the American school system it makes my head hurt.

Read more… 923 more words

All this does is make me more certain that I don't want my future child or my nephew to go to school in America

To all my followers and shadow readers, I sincerely apologize for the lack of posting. I have been dealing with a lot of business IRL as well as general writer’s block. I realize I have a bit of posting to catch up on. E and F for the PBP will be a combined post, I’ll also start working on back posts for the KRT and thinking of topics for G and H for the PBP. I appreciate your patience. Thankfully I’m starting to get my brain back together, as such please enjoy a poem I composed to be part of a new story idea I have. I may share later, but I’m still world-building as it is.

I’ll also make sure to fill out the Prayer and Praise category as well as adding to the Feeling the Music sub-category. We’ll work on that. Thanks guys.

Where are you my love?

Are you walking in the shadows?

I see you, I see you, but only in the moonlight.

 

Can you feel your silhouette?

Feel yourself as cold as stone?

I will walk with you, you’ll not walk the dark alone.

 

Your eyes are dead as darkness

were they ever really alive?

I think so, I think so

you simply killed the monster inside.

 

Crazy it may seem, that you should lose your light

by killing that which makes you seem blacker than the night.

But where is shadow without the dark?

Where will light reach if the place is bare?

 

Where are you my love?

Are you walking in the shadows?

I see you, let me in,

I’ll darken the nightmare.

Kemetic RoundTable-Ritual Purity

The Kemetic Round Table works to connect Kemetic bloggers of various practices and paths in order to provide helpful information for those new to Kemeticism. More information about the project can be found here. 

I’m just joining the Kemetic Round Table project, so I’m going to start at the beginning and eventually catch up with everyone else lol Meantime I only just did my C PBP post and still have E to do XD

So, I originally wasn’t going to do this post. Up until last week I didn’t have much in the way of ritual purity specifications. I’m not part of any temple or anything, and my gods have never asked me for anything in particular. Except for Aset, She asked for two things: clean room, neat body. Not hard (tedious perhaps) and not particularly amazing or anything.

I’ve considered doing specific things for ritual purity, but never followed up and neither Anpu, nor Set or Aset ever made a big deal. Maybe they didn’t feel like it, maybe it’s not necessary, or maybe they were waiting. I’m thinking it’s more a bit of all three. Set comes off quite lax about that sort of thing, He just wants His attention since He’s not yet fed up with waiting on me to get brave and down to the business He’s here for. Btw, I’m still not 100% sure what He’s here for, but for now I’m content to leave it that way. I have theories and ideas, and I feel in some ways they’re all correct.

Aset has made Her’s known, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t keep up on a portion of it, or at least She hasn’t made a big deal about it. She’s also neutral feeling now. I’m still in a bit of a rut for things to do for everyone, but especially Her. It’s a little frustrating, but I think I may start looking into more baking and cooking. I just wish I had more money.

Anpu however has been quiet as one might expect Him to be. He typically doesn’t say much until I’m talking with someone and posing questions and wonderings and then He interjects. Currently this pattern has been sparse up until a few days ago when I started menstruating. Now, that started over the weekend when I wasn’t at home. When I got home on Sunday though, I was emailing Shine talking about wanting to go to shrine, but being unsure about it. You see, I get some very unpleasant mental side effects to go with menstruation as well as pain and fatigue. There’s also increased sensitivity in my lungs, meaning my asthma, normally very tolerant of smoke and such from candles and incense, would be very unhappy with all that. This of course is not my point, the point is that I was tired and hurting and emotionally unstable but I still very much wanted to go to shrine.

Anpu apparently had other ideas. As I was typing to Shine that I wondered if my gods wanted me in shrine or whether they would mind me not going for physical and emotional reasons I got a very clear and distinct image of Anpu in my mind’s eye and a direct statement of “no.” Don’t go to shrine He said. I was a little startled, not used to Him speaking to me after all, and certainly not with such direct and stern tone. Normally He’s making a quip or shaking His head. I still don’t know why He said no. To be fair, I’ve never asked any of my trio if they had any specific purity requirements, or if I have it wasn’t a lot. However, I’ve gone to shrine before during menstruation and not much was said.

Now, anyone familiar with KO or its followers might know that they also ask that followers stay out of shrine during menses, but this is not a misogynistic thing. It is a matter of ritual purity, but not because menses is “gross” or “sin” or whatever negative thing people usually exclaim when they hear about menstrual taboos. Well, I’m sure some people feel that way (I despise menstruating, it is gross and annoying and it costs me money and has ruined clothes and causes me pain and affects my asthma and Crazy, making me really difficult to be around for its duration and the week beforehand) but it’s not the point.

I feel that Anpu telling me no wasn’t about negativity either. He wasn’t angry when He told me don’t come to shrine and He wasn’t nasty or disgusted. Just very firm. I think it was about being very emotionally unstable and in pain and that it’s blood. Don’t ask about that part because I haven’t figured it all out yet. My iron was quite low when it was checked at the Red Cross when I went to give blood, so I think that had something to do with it. I don’t know. However, this may turn out to be a regular deal. Once again, I’ll have to ask, because I don’t read minds. I think the fact that Ganesha has recently been invited to the shrine space has something to do with it because I had yet to look up whether Hinduism has a menses taboo when I was pondering whether I should go to shrine. I don’t mind if it becomes a regular thing, I’ll just have to cry or something XD

The tricky thing with this situation was then dealing with my other gods. When Anpu said no I almost immediately got comments from Set and Aset. Besides my own strong desire to go to shrine, I had Set in my head really upset. He wanted attention and shrine time from me and was rather insistent about it. Aset was there, in the background, but I got the distinct feeling that Her wanting me to come to shrine was more about me than Her. Mom’s can’t help themselves I guess? There was also a neutrality to it that made me feel She wouldn’t be upset either way, whether I came or not. Set, totally another story. He did pout, but I had to turn Him down. Anpu is my main god, and I want Him to stay in that place, and they all share a shrine space. He says no then the answer is no.

Ironically I slept absolutely awful that night. Literally one hour. No joke, sixty minutes on the nose. And I had to work and my weekend hadn’t been great and I had an awful time making my brain stop coming up with horrid stories and train wreck thought processes. I’m not sure what to make of that, because I am an insomniac and known to have dreadful nights like that on occasion, especially while menstruating. It’s the Crazy plus the hormones. Who knows.

That’s my personal experience with ritual purity. I essentially have almost nothing and have done fine so far. I usually just brush my teeth, wash my face and clean my room. I shower in the morning so that doesn’t have any connections to my shrine rites. Ritual purity is a personal matter especially and between you and your gods. Your tradition may come in to it, but in the end that’s still personal. You still have to do things within your means. Meanwhile I’m just as puzzled as always!

To me purity is more about the innards than the body. Be clean of course, nobody likes a stinky person, but if you are there for a purpose then you are there. I’ve not much more than that to say.